I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize