i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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