we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
