I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
