chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
my shit smells like andre
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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