Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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