just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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