that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
