How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
