med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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