Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
