It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
