you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
4 words: hood of his car
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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