Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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