If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
