i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
