Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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