i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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