this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
