i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Two words: nipple clamps
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