Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
