haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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