Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
