I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
