I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
