mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize