I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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