I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
