Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
