he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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