I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Randomize