Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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