she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
