i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
