She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
