Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
