how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
