So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
