Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
