I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
