There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
