I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They took my balls.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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