I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize