Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
