dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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