The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
