I'm gonna have a badass scar
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize