Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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