oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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