im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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