Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
