we have pet lesbian snakes
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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