Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
