i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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