My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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