Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
