It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
