Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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