Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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