we have pet lesbian snakes
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Everything about him screamed your future.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
