in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
