Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
