ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
