We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
