you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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