This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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