Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
