I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
