Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
